Check the Adam's Apple and Wrap It Up Tight

(I beg your forgiveness, dear reader, for the long delay in posting. Internet access is, surprisingly, less abundant in asia than it was in central america. I'll try to be better, but please bear with me. Similar apologies for the scarcity of pictures. Though I've taken hundreds, it's difficult to find places to conveniently upload them at this point)

I departed New York for London at 11 pm on July 26th. My flight, unsurprisingly, was delayed, but it was British Airways so somewhat more comfortable than normal for my size-gifted cuerpo. Waiting in the airport, I received a goodbye text message from my buddy Dan who'd recently been in Southeast Asia: "Have a good time! Check the adam's apple and wrap it up tight." Wise words from a wise man.

I slept pretty well and was in London before I knew it with 6 hours to kill until my reunion with Ellie and another 6 after that before departing for Bangkok. I passed the time reading my new book ("Cloud Atlas." Read it. Seriously. It was amazing), drinking coffee, and purchasing a goofy under-your-clothes passport holder to thwart uncrafty Asian bandits with no falang-mugging experience. Ellie arrived at 4:30. It was fantastic to see her, obviously. We spent the rest of the day recounting stories from our summer (her internet access was spotty so she hadn't written much and also hadn't been reading these hallowed pages). After some charismatic finagling, we got ourselves seated together on our 11-hour flight to Bangkok and, books and ipods in hand, got ourselves comfortable for the long haul. The flight was actually very easy since we basically slept the whole time and woke just before landing. We arrived in Thailand at around 3:30 pm local time on July 28th.

Standing in line at Thai customs, I was highly amused by (but frightened to photograph) the neon, flashing "We <3 our King" (that's a heart) signs hanging over the foreigners-only line. Woohoo monarchy! We made it through customs, retrieved our backpacks with ease (thank fucking god), and confirmed that we would not be able to fly to Luang Prabang that day as planned, but instead would have to spend the evening in Bangkok and fly out the next day. To be honest, we were kind of glad; we wanted to see Bangkok and were tired from our long days of traveling (me from NYC, Ellie from Rwanda). We exchanged real money for baht and, leaving the airport, we hopped on a gondola constructed of dried shrimp crackers and boated down a river of coconut milk curry (extra spicy, please) into the center of the city.

We alighted at Khao San Road, which is essentially Backpackertown in Bangkok. It was, unsurprisingly, totally insane and mercantilistic and all that. Crazy flashing signs and naughty thai prostitutes everywhere. We found a guesthouse for pretty cheap, took a shower, and headed out into the heat. To be honest, it wasn't actually that hot, but we didn't really know it at the time. It felt hot to us. We dined on streetcart spring rolls and pad thai (totally delicoius) and walked around grinning and kind of being weirded out about how far we were from anywhere we'd ever been. In our night in Bangkok we encountered a streetcart selling fried cockroaches, grubs, larvae, and grasshoppers. We were also encouraged numerous times by street barkers to attend a "Ping Pong Show" (I'll leave it to you, gentle reader, to decipher the talents showcased by the lady performers). After walking around, eating some more pad thai, briefly considering attending the Ping Pong Show (in the end, it was me -- not Ellie -- who rejected the idea, to my great shame. Perhaps, when we return before coming home, we'll catch a show), Ellie buying some pants and other stuff, we turned in for the night.

We woke up the next morning and caught a cab to the airport for our flight to Luang Prabang, Laos. We flew a small turboprop from Bangkok Airways and it was actually really nice. At around 3 in the afternoon we arrived in Laos, landing in a single-runway airport that we approached through some of the most dazzlingly beautiful countryside that we'd ever seen. Coming in to land, we were confronted with an infinitely green landscape of rolling hills and jutting mountains. Cutting through it like a ribbon was the Mekong River, a squiggle of chocolate milk standing out strikingly against an emerald world. It was really exciting. We retrieved our bags, bought our visas (ouch), and (using hand gestures) got a "taxi" to the center of the city. Our tuk-tuk to town (which I've also read described as a sangtheaw or something) was essentially a pickup truck with a couple of benches in the back and a roof over them. It was totally fun driving down this rural country dirt road in the back of a pickup with laotians motorcycling all around us.

On Laos. We bombed the shit out of this country. According to the Lonely Planet (whose literal interpretation I consider mandatory for salvation), more ordnance was dropped by weight per capita on Laos by America during the "Vietnam" war (preposition party) than in any other conflict in the history of warfare. Bombers had orders to drop all of their bombs during their sorties so, if they had leftovers, they'd just empty 'em out over Laos on their way back from North Vietnam. Pretty shitty. Also, since it was illegal for the US to be bombing Laos in the first place, we temporarily decommisioned the pilots who did actively and intentionally bomb Laos. They were called "Ravens" and they flew shitty old airplanes in a civilian capacity dropping phosphorous-laced bombs to show South Vietnamese aircraft behind them where to target their own explosives. Since this "Other Theater" wasn't officially existent and illegal anyway, the US was under none of the Rules of Engagement or Geneva constraints on which it blamed many of its setbacks nextdoor in Vietnam. It's all some really interesting history and pretty upsetting. Not too proud of it. Came in expecting some resentment. Found none. Laos is one of the most laid back places I've ever been. It's just slow. Crazy slow. People just don't take things too seriously and kind of think less of anyone who does. They have easy smiles and are always glad to help with whatever. I came away from Laos with an extremely positive impression of the country and the people. It's a place to which I must return. I'm bummed we couldn't spend more time there. But I do feel that we made the most of what time we had...

As we entered Luang Prabang, we started noticing the wats (temples). They're everywhere. Luang Prabang was the spiritual capital of a major buddhist kingdom (I'm ashamed to say I don't know all the details), and it's dotted with temples (over 50, I think) and filled with monks to this day. We had asked to be dropped off in the city center but our driver, in a move which is apparently pretty common and that we were somewhat expecting, instead took us to the guesthouse of some buddy/relative of his and urged us to stay there. We politely declined and, annoyed, hiked into the town center with all of our shit (big backpacks, day packs, etc.). By the time we got to an internet cafe closer to the center, we were (well...I was) disgustingly sweaty. Marvelling at orange-clad buddhist monks of all ages (in Laos, it's expected that boys spend at least six months or something as a monk and Luang Prabang is monk-central) as we walked, we found our way to Sok Dee Guesthouse (urged by a young laotian guy who was funny so we just went with it) and, satisfied by their price and the room's high ceiling-fan-and-air-conditioner-to-volume ratio, we signed on to stay there. We took a shower and meandered back into town where we grabbed a couple of ice lao coffees (delicious and super strong) and mango-pineapple fruit shakes and just kicked back.

We were waiting for our friends Vas and Brett to arrive. They'd been traveling around southeast asia for almost two months and Luang Prabang was their final stop. By chance we were there at the same time, so we were psyched to see them. We found them that evening (they had arrived on a slow boat from Thailand). Brett was seriously sick, which was a bummer, but he soldiered on for the next three days and Ellie and I don't seem to have picked up his bug.

Our first day we hired a tuk-tuk to drive us through the countryside to this famous waterfall, Kuang Si falls I think was the name. It was really beautiful. I took many pictures that you wish you could see (hopefully you will when I find a decent internet cafe). We also, on the way, stopped in a Hmong village (the Hmong are a minority group in southeast asia with a large presence in Laos) where I chose not to stage a seizure to impress them. The village was very intense: incredible poverty, little kids running around naked and trying to sell us bracelets and other trinkets, old men drunk and sprawled out on the mud floors of thatched huts, scrawny dogs and chickens wandering around. It was heavy, but I'm glad we saw it. Felt a little strange kind of walking around like a Tourist of Suffering or something though...makes you want to do something, not just look. But we just got back in the tuk-tuk and, snapping photos and gazing serenely at placid rice paddies reflecting highland ridgelines, bumped our way on the dirt road to the falls. Vas and Ellie swam a bit (Brett and I declined because we are pussies) and we hiked around a little before heading home for the evening.

That night we checked out the night market for the first time. We'd return every night. In Luang Prabang, starting at around 5 pm, locals peddle wares of all sorts along the town's streets. There is some really beautiful stuff to be purchased (some of which was) for obscenely low prices. Also, as an added bonus, haggling is expected and enormously fun, especially when no one speaks the same language. We did a lot of hand gesturing, fake scoffing, and finger-holding-up. It was a ton of fun and we left Laos with a bunch of great shit that we spent laughably little on. Good times. We hit the sack early anticipating a full day of walking in the morning.

We woke up to monsoon rains pounding on our roof and those around us. Stepping onto our house's second floor (which was open) to see the rain, Ellie and I thought our planned day of touring wats was ruined. It let up pretty soon though (mostly...it continued intermittently throughout the day but, when it came, it was a welcome relief from the heat and humidity) and, hopping around mud puddles futilely, we went to meet Brett and Vas at their guesthouse. A quick breakfast of delicious croissants, baguettes, and lao coffee was consumed (yay French colonialism) for about 90 cents and we were off. First place we went was the Royal Museum and Temple. It was very nice. The throneroom was intricately decorated and really very beautiful. I was especially into the katanas of the king's honor guard. Each one was unique and each one was a really shockingly excellent work of art, intricately carved handles of ivory and other stones with buddhist legends and other scenes carved into the hilts and scabbards. Really incredible. There were a bunch of famous buddha sculptures and a lot of gifts from foreign governments (including some from Richard Nixon, which is ironic). The temple was also quite stunning. Photos were not permitted in the palace, but I have a bunch of shots of the wat. We left and made our way to the next wat on our planed tour, located near the meeting of the two rivers that surround the town. It was (and I hesitate to use this word AGAIN) beautiful. Basically, all the wats were amazing and we visited about five. The highlights were the monks wandering around doing monkish things. I loved seeing monks everywhere. Their robes, a color which I'd expected to find somewhat jarring, are actually strikingly pretty (I held back from saying "beautiful") and they stand out awesomely against the backdrops in which they meander. Really great. I got pictures. Hee hee. That evening, we revisited the night market and ate dinner at a nice restaurant for 10 dollars, a fortune in Laos.

The next day, we woke up early (5 a.m.) to watch the monks perform their daily walk through town collecting alms. I bought a small basket of sticky rice, a traditional donation, and gave small balls of it to the monks as they moved in a line down the road. There were hundreds of them. It was really neat. Later, we took a slow boat up the Mekong (no veterans for truth were encountered) in the rain to visit a couple of caves in which Buddhist shrines have been maintained for centuries. The ride itself was the highlight, I think. First of all, the landscape around the river was totally stunning. Mist-shrouded peaks and rolling green hills. We also saw fishermen, women washing clothes, little naked kids playing, etc. It was really interesting. On the way, we stopped at a small village famous for its lao-lao, which is essentially laotian moonshine. It was tasty, but we elected not to get drunk since it was the hottest day yet and we were concerned about staying hydrated. I have some nice pictures of myself drenched in sweat acting sexy. When we got back to Luang Prabang, we showered because we were all disgusting (especially yours truly) then met up again to climb to the top of Mount Phusi, a large hill in the center of town with a pretty wat on top. From there, we sort of surveyed the Laos countryside (360-degree panoramas) and I rang a big bell with a log. We also played a little on a soviet-era anti-aircraft gun we found up there. We descended for some laotian food and another night market trip (our last and most desperate). It was raining pretty hard so the selection was more limited but we made do.

The next day, Brett and Vas took off after lunch (I ate laap, a laotian specialty of minced chicken, cilantro, onions, and hot peppers. It was super tasty) and Ellie and I departed soon after. It was sad to leave Laos. I really took a strong liking to the country and its people. I hope I'll have an opportunity to return. We caught a flight on Lao Aviation (Sorry, mom.) to Vientiane, the capital, and then a Vietnam Air flight into Hanoi where we arrived on the evening of 8/1. We've been in Hanoi for a couple of days now. It's a really fantastic town with a fascinating history. I'll try to post about our Hanoi adventures as soon as possible. We're leaving tomorrow for Halong Bay, which promises to be insanely b...lovely. When we get back, I'll try to a) post about Hanoi, b) post about Halong Bay, and c) get some pictures online. Due to shitty internet, pictures will probably be less numerous than they've been in the past. My apologies again for the long hiatus before posting. Until next time.

Two Jews and a Pitbull

We got on the road at 9:00 a.m. on the morning of July 17th. Dan took the wheel, I took the ipod and the map, and Zoe took cuteness.


She wasn't actually as scrunched in as she looks in that picture. She just felt left out when she stayed on her big pillow so she'd frequently rest her head on top of the luggage separating her from us. Sometimes, when I was lucky, she'd rest her head on my shoulder or arm. I'm in love with this dog.

It took us 9 hours to get to the border crossing near Laredo, Texas. The drive through Mexico was absolutely, stunningly beautiful. We drove through unthinkably flat deserts and craggy, bald mountains for hours. The trees on the side of the road (I think they may have been joshua trees, but I'm not sure) were really funky and cool and the sky was enormous and filled with clouds so perfect that they almost looked fake. It was fantastic.



















Anyway, after around 9 hours we crossed the Rio Grande and I entered the United States of America for the first time in five weeks. The Rio Grande was relatively unimpressive (not so grande) where we crossed at Columbia.


This did not deter Zoe and Dan from being extremely excited to be back on American soil...



We made it past Austin and nearly to Dallas by the end of the first day -- a trip of around 875 miles. Texas was a fun time. We ate Whataburger cheeseburgers for breakfast at 9 the next morning (beginning an epic day of disgusting eating) and took off for our second destination: Memphis and Graceland. Here's a taste of Texas...





No relation, I'm sure.

We stopped for lunch at some roadside BBQ farm, which was delicious. Zoe especially enjoyed the leftovers. We also got into the habit, now that we had nice American rest stops available, of stopping intermittently so Zoe could get some exercise chasing tennis balls around. She's really just an absurdly awesome dog. Here are some photos, action and not. In the heat, she'd get really overheated and pant ridiculously, which also merited some photography...






We arrived in Memphis relatively early and got on line to eat at Rendezvous, Memphis's most famous rib spot. My buddy Ryan from Guatemala helped us out with some telephonic directions and other information (thanks, Ryan!). The food was delicious. Behold some nauseating before and after pictures.







We crashed in an Econolodge near Graceland, sneaking Zoe into the room as we'd done the previous night. She's a cuddly roommate...




The next day, we went to Graceland. Here, I must pause to provide some information from the previous evening in order to make the most of an event that occurred in the Graceland parking lot. At Rendezvous, while we were waiting for our table (about an hour), Dan and I had noticed a pair of attractive but...age-challenged...females. Dan particularly took a fancy to one of them. The two (let's just be generous and say 16 year old) girls were with their parents and a grandparent. Dan eyeball-stalked the blonde for the duration of our wait and that was that. We figured we wouldn't see them again. Ironically, however, as we were pulling into the Graceland parking lot at 9 in the morning, we saw the very same family getting out of their car two rows in front of us. It was hilarious and we were cracking up and making jokes. As Dan turned the car off and opened his door, he continued with his commentary on the girl, forgetting to lower his voice to compensate for the absence of thitherto blaring music. His door open and his voice extremely loud, Dan declared: "I'm telling you! It is my destiny to [edited] her [edited]!" I immediately slid down in my seat fearing the worst and said "Dan..." He, not believing he'd done anything wrong said "Oh, it's fine" as he looked up and saw staring at us from the next row of cars a middle-aged woman who'd just gotten out of a minivan with Texas plates. Just as he made eye contact with her, she exclaims "Oh good lord!" in a fantastic, shocked, southern accent. We commenced hysterical dissolution, hiding our faces and crying with mirth. It was classic. Anyway, this lady finally starts grinning too and basically tells us to get over it and get out of the car (as her family's getting out of the van grinning and wondering what we said). We clambered out, made our way to the ticket office, and found ourselves confronted with the line. There were two parties in it: the Jailbait Family and the family of the Texan mother. We resolved to wallow in our shame and got on line. As we approached, I told the Texan "He's very sorry" with a grin, and she replied "Oh we know you love it" with a wink. Which was kind of scary. Anyway, it was hilarious, and Dan continued to stalk the blonde teenager throughout Graceland.

Graceland itself was, as you can all imagine, really really classy and glamorous. Hehe. Honestly, one of the weirder places I've ever been. The very first thing that struck us was the close resemblance of Elvis to our friend Louis...


Admit it, Louis: it's freaky. You're obligated to dress as Elvis for Halloween. If I can do it, you certainly can.

The rest of the tour was funny and interesting. His house is ridiculous, especially the velvet-lined bar room and the funky fabric-walled pool room. I was also excited to see his martial arts uniform since I'm a big proponent of the "All Techniques Into One" philosophy. Rather than go through the audio tour on my blog, here are a lot of pictures (since this post has been so picture-light). Note the white, fur-lined bed with the built-in, angled mirrors and sound system. Hot. Also, the TCB lightning bolt over the couch is pretty sweet. Oh, and I love his turquoise-handled pistol and that the only two books on his desk are "Gods From Outer Space" and "The Warren Report." Ridiculous person...
























It was an interesting experience. He was an interesting guy. Anyway, we grabbed Steak & Shake for lunch (mmmmm) and headed out to get as far as we could towards DC. It was a late start to the day because of Graceland, but we made it pretty far nonetheless and ended up turning in for the night in Natural Bridge, Virginia, just a couple of hours from DC.


We got up early the next day, grabbed lunch in a nearby diner, and headed towards our nation's capital to have lunch with our buddy Pete. It was good to see him (I hadn't seen him in years) and fun to see DC, even if from a distance, after such a long, international drive...


From DC to New York was a piece of cake after what we'd done. We were back in the city by 6:30 on July 20th. Before we entered the city, though, Dan wanted to fill up on gas in New Jersey (since it's cheaper) and I wanted some coffee (I'd gotten used to it in Guatemala) so we stopped at one of the last rest stops on the Jersey Turnpike before New York. I walked in, got on line at the Starbucks, and glanced to my right and this is what I saw.

For a moment I was taken aback, but then I just smiled. I'd come a long way and had quite a few adventures, but I knew then that Guatemala would stay with me, if only in the random things that would make me happy. With a grin, I got a venti of the daily brew and headed back out to the car. We hopped in, shot to the bridge, and I was home...



I've been in town for four days now. It's been nice seeing folks, but I'm looking forward to hitting the road again. Tomorrow evening, I'll be flying to Thailand. See you there.